Monday, 8 December 2014
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Saturday, 6 December 2014
Friday, 5 December 2014
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
So your best friend has just got into a new relationship; you are feeling neglected and not quite sure on how to cope. Here are three steps to help you get through the adjustment period.
Download Netflix: This is your first and most obvious step, you will have a lot more time on your hands now that your best friend is preoccupied with her new found relationship. It’s an endless amount of films and TV series to keep you busy. A few of my favourites:
- It’s Always sunny in Philadelphia – if you haven’t seen this series you have been missing out on essential comedy that will make you a better person. I may be bias as my ideal man would be Charlie Day: who stars, writes and produces the show.
- Breaking Bad – be careful not to watch too many of these in a row, I had to take a few months break as I got irritated with Walt and his wicked ways, but it is a series you should see through to the end. I also started thinking about meth all the time; adverts started selling ‘smooth meth foundation’ and the supermarket stocked ‘Canadian meth syrup’. My little OCD can go a long way.
- Half Baked – a stoner comedy classic starring Dave Chappelle. Even better when you roll up before, during and after.
- Hemlock Grove – WORST TELEVISION SERIES EVER. DO NOT WATCH THIS. I REPEAT DO NOT EVER ATTEMPT TO WATCH THIS
- Office Space – one of my all time favourite films with an incredible soundtrack. It’s exactly how I would end up if I were subjected to an office job.
Concentrate on your career: This is how I got into this predicament in the first place; I was working and touring all the time. Friendship takes a lot of work as well, its something I have always prided myself on; maintaining and having the best friendships I possibly can. However if one part of your life is failing, the personal side, you should focus on the work side. Whether that is your actual job or hobbies you have to keep you sane whilst you work your shitty job. Always remember the more money you have the more distractions you can buy to keep yourself from loneliness.
Replace your friend: Its time to come to terms with the fact that this will keep happening; as you get older all of your friends will start to settle down whilst you try to maintain your seventeen year old free and breezy lifestyle and push all of your irrational commitment issues further down. Choose your best friends replacement wisely, who will be alone the longest other than yourself? Who can put up with your needy insecurities? And who won’t annoy you too much?
I usually like to take on about three of four replacements; I attach myself quickly and intensely. Within the first week throw around the ‘best friend’ label but in a friendly manner, you don’t want to come off too desperate. Always a great line: ‘You’re my favourite person!’ Listen to them, let them open up to you, send them photos of cute dogs or you doing stupid shit throughout the day, it feels personal when you send a photo. Like it was intended for them. A couple of social media posts here and there that include them or contain an inside joke to top it off.
After three weeks if you don’t feel a deeper bond or they lack potential you can always reduce yourself to sabotaging your x-best friends relationship. Just make sure it’s the last resort and untraceable.
I’m not bitter, I am really happy for her but I am also an extremely needy fuck who needs constant attention and I do have a little jealousy streak flowing through me. At least I can admit it.
DISCLOSURE – I DO NOT EVER WANT TO DO METH. I JUST HAD IT ON MY MIND.